


International Man of Mystery

by BlueEyedArcher



Category: Vampyr (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Austin Powers References, Crack, Crack done seriously, EMT Geoffrey, Fanart, Geoffrey is confused and done with everything, M/M, Nightmare Fuel, No vampires, Writing request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:09:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24887371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyedArcher/pseuds/BlueEyedArcher
Summary: “What the fuck?” Geoffrey blurted as he stared at the absolute horror that befell his afternoon. He wasn’t entirely certain what led to the strange events laid before him as he wracked his brain for some semblance of an answer. This morning he quietly dozed off on the leather sofa after his jog and checking the extensive emails from work, and now well, he was puzzled.Jonathan was standing in their shared kitchen with a navy and azure striped suit over a red polka dot shirt. A white belt around his waist and a similar blue cravat tied stylishly around his throat.As much as he despised the look, he couldn’t help but notice the way it accentuated the doctor’s hips and thighs by the snug fit. It loosened around the knees as he leaned with his hip against the counter. A series of maps and notes spread across the kitchen counter where his fingertips traced leylines obsessively. “Good morning, Geoffrey!” He chimed excitedly, turning to face the EMT with a smile that went beyond the rare reserved delight of the man. He stepped closer with a sway to his hips that made Geoffrey question whether or not this was some weird sort of roleplaying game that Jonathan had concocted, or maybe a prank of some kind?
Relationships: Geoffrey McCullum & Jonathan Reid, Geoffrey McCullum/Jonathan Reid
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request from Mint in the Pembroke Hospital Vampyr Discord server.  
> This started after a commentary about how many similarities Jonathan has with Austin Powers and well, this is the chaotic result.

“What the fuck?” Geoffrey blurted as he stared at the absolute horror that befell his afternoon. He wasn’t entirely certain what led to the strange events laid before him as he wracked his brain for some semblance of an answer. This morning he quietly dozed off on the leather sofa after his jog and checking the extensive emails from work, and now well, he was puzzled.

Jonathan was standing in their shared kitchen with a navy and azure striped suit over a red polka dot shirt. A white belt around his waist and a similar blue cravat tied stylishly around his throat. The pants were the same striped as the jacket. The elevated heels on the polished black boots gave him an additional two inches in height that weren’t needed at all. His dark hair was a shaggy mess that fell in fluffy strands down in front of his forehead and brushed over the wide rimmed black glasses that rested on the crooked bend of his nose.

As much as he despised the look, he couldn’t help but notice the way it accentuated the doctor’s hips and thighs by the snug fit. It loosened around the knees as he leaned with his hip against the counter. A series of maps and notes spread across the kitchen counter where his fingertips traced leylines obsessively. “Good morning, Geoffrey!” He chimed excitedly, turning to face the EMT with a smile that went beyond the rare reserved delight of the man. He stepped closer with a sway to his hips that made Geoffrey question whether or not this was some weird sort of roleplaying game that Jonathan had concocted, or maybe a prank of some kind?

Geoffrey didn’t pull away when Jonathan leaned in to kiss him, cupping his hand against the back of the EMT’s head as fingers splayed into his hair and stroked the curve of his jaw. The kiss was hungry and powerful as Geoffrey was gently drawn in and pushed up against the counter. He was slotted between Jonathan’s legs as their hips ground together and lips parted in a chuckled out. “Groovy baby.” His thumb stroked along Geoffrey’s bottom lip with a breathy. “Shagadelic.”

“What in God’s name has gotten into you Reid?” Geoffrey pressed his hands against his boyfriend’s chest and gave him a gentle shove away. Jonathan yielded and took an easy step back.

“What do you mean baby? I’m groovy. I got my mojo back! Everything is daisies.” He purred, the low feline rumble in his chest vibrated loudly and made Geoffrey frown. The tiny cha-cha movement as the doctor danced seductively in place only furthered his confusion.

“Did you hit your head?” Concern wove into his expression as he approached the doctor and reached up to gently feel for any obvious injuries on the surface, fingers palpating the tender flesh of his scalp. “Are you feeling alright?”

“A bit of medical play then? All you need do is ask, baby. I’m always ready to shag. You've got me feeling love sick.” He wrapped his arms around Geoffrey and nuzzled into the crook of his neck, pressing a trail of damp kisses to the EMT’s exposed throat as he outlined the curve and smiled against the warmth.

“Jonathan Emmet Reid!” Geoffrey spoke sternly as he captured the man’s face between his palms and forced him to tilt his head up and meet him in the eye.

“Sorry Geoffrey. Did I get carried away?” The EMT sighed in relief as the doctor relaxed into his grasp. “I know we have a lot of work to do to stop Dr. Swansea but if the world is going to end, I’d rather I spend it in your arms.” He murmured sweetly, his head tilted to give that uniquely Jonathan puppy eye look that breaks his heart and finally forced his hand.

“Do you mean your boss? The Administrator of Pembroke Hospital?” What was all of this nonsense the doctor was talking about? Geoffrey couldn’t make heads or tails of it now. “Jonathan, I think we need to go visit the hospital.”

“Right now?” He looked genuinely shocked, straightening up in the Irishman's grasp.

“Did you have other plans?” Geoffrey spoke carefully, keeping his grasp on the man as he rubbed his palm against his bicep on small massaging circles. His blue eyes searching Jonathan’s expression as he glanced towards the maps and notes with a pensive look. “Jonathan?”

“Well, I wasn’t planning to until tomorrow evening but the sooner we act, the better! Groovy plan Geoffrey!” He cheered and reached out to gather his papers in quick succession. Jonathan folded them up into a binder where he tucked them away. 

“I’m going to grab my keys, just wait a minute Jonny.” Geoffrey called and rushed into their shared bedroom and froze. There was a lava lamp and a waterbed that now replaced their old memory foam mattress. The blankets and curtains and just about everything was in various shades of warm rich colors. Oranges and reds and browns, with soft shag carpet rugs laid out around it to cushion his bare feet. He slowly tiptoed into the room and plucked his keys and wallet from the nightstand and ignored the lava lamp with purple globules floating and bouncing around inside like over sized oxygen starved blood cells.

He picked up his jacket on the way out and shrugged it on. He had to hop as he quickly pulled his socks up to mid calf and rushed towards the front door where Jonathan awaited him patiently. He slipped his boots on and inspected the doctor with a look of close scrutiny.

“What happened to the bedroom?” He started, the question far too tempting to ignore as he struggled to make sense of this mess. How long had he slept for and what exactly happened that caused this? Did Jonathan just have a mental breakdown at the end of his night shift and redecorate their bedroom all the while Geoffrey slept like the dead? Did he drink anything strange that could have been drugged? What was going on here?

“Hm? What do you mean darling?” He frowned and started to head towards the bedroom. 

Geoffrey shook his head and reached out to snatch his arm and dragged him back. “Never mind. We can talk about this later. Get in the car. We’re going to the hospital.”

Going to the hospital was an interesting ride. The radio was stuck on a Beatles station to which Jonathan sang along to every song with gusteu. Each station Geoffrey tried was solid static that crackled frustratingly. He cursed under his breath and tapped his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel. Maybe he should have called ahead but at the same time he didn't want to make the doctor anxious or stressed out if this was actually a full blown mental break. The less drama involved the better.

Rush hour was a mind numbing experience as they stopped then started, inching through the worst of the traffic and crawling across intersections. Every red light only further annoyed the EMT as Jonathan continued this concerning charade.

"Relax baby! Everything is groovy~" He crooned and reached to turn up the radio. Geoffrey was half tempted to turn it off but he quietly reminded himself that anything that _helped_ to keep the doctor calm was a blessing at the moment.

When they finally reached the hospital, it felt odd to him. The bright lights felt dreary against the backdrop of grayish blue walls. As if everything was submerged in a hazy filter. He kept one hand resting against Jonathan's shoulder blades as he steered the doctor down the hallway in search of the Administrator. Every room was empty and every nurse they bypassed conveniently ignored them, taking no notice of their colleague's strange outfit. Maybe that was for the better, Geoffrey decided. The less damage it would cause the man's reputation in the end.

The further into the hospital Geoffrey walked the more empty it became and the more quiet the long halls were. The faded blue shifted to a monochromatic grey that he didn't recall ever being present or exactly which hallway the color had changed. He was all turned around, trying to read signs that didn't make any sense at all.

"Geoffrey, this way!" Jonathan half whispered, half blurted and awkwardly tiptoed down the hallway in quick short strides.

"Jonathan!" Geoffrey protested and gave chase. The doctor slipped around a corner and concerningly disappeared from sight. As Geoffrey turned the corner, he found numerous closed doors with darkened windows peeking into the rooms. Any attempt to make out any familiar objects fell flat. He gave each knob a test pull but was met with solid resistance. 

"Reid?" He called loudly trying to coax the man out of whatever hiding spot he had found. "Jonathan!"

"Geoffrey, this way!" It echoed from the end of the hallway. Peering back the way they came, he was puzzled to find an open and unlocked door with a bright light pouring out of it across the dreary off white tiles.

"Jonathan come back!" Geoffrey was frightened for the doctor's safety and what trouble he could land himself into wandering these halls in his current mindset. The fragile state was not something he could ensure wouldn't get him hurt in the end. All the tools and expensive equipment lying around, all it takes is one mishap for tragedy to strike.

As he approached the room, he peered inside and was met with a large meaty fist wrapping around his collar. Geoffrey's eyes widened in shock before he made sense of Pembroke's head of security, a beast of a man by the name of Fergal Bansha.

"Com'ere you squirming piece of shite. Think I wouldn't notice two rodents running amok?" The guard dragged Geoffrey off of his feet causing the EMT to struggle and grapple to the massive beefy arm that restrained him.

"Fergal? What-agh! What are you doin? Put me down ya bastard!" Geoffrey cursed through clenched teeth. Peering around the massive frame of the man that hoarded nearly all the existing space in the doorway, he caught a brief glimpse of the doctor sprawled across the floor unconscious. "What did you do to Dr. Reid?"

"He's right where he belongs. Dr. Swansea is waiting for you both." When his feet touched the ground again, Geoffrey tried to struggle for freedom and kicked out at the guard. His fingernails dug into the man's arms, clawing desperately to make him let go but it only earned him being slammed hard against the nearest wall. His ears rang as his head connected with the surface. His vision whited out for a moment before he was being forcibly dragged along the narrow halls. A disoriented glance towards the guard offered him a brief glimpse of the doctor slung effortlessly over Fergal's shoulder.

"Bastard." Geoffrey hissed as he stumbled after him.

Traveling through the long seemingly endless halls was both a quick paced blur and an eternal torture as Geoffrey struggled to stay on his feet and not be half strangled by the unrelenting hand that held him in place. He clawed at the fist and targeted pressure points but the man didn't budge an inch or even acknowledge his seemingly futile attempts at escape.

Before he realized it, they were both being tossed to the floor at the foot of the Administrator's desk. Geoffrey had fallen to kneel before the head doctor, lifting his head to spy the back of the chair as their introduction was ignored.

"Found these rats scurrying about the halls, Dr. Swansea. What would you like done with them?" Fergal grinned, flashing teeth full of malice as he examined the fallen doctor with a crude expression.

Dr. Swansea turned his chair to finally face them in a dramatic reveal as the man wore, not the traditional white lab coat that Geoffrey had come to recognize him by, but a dark grey blofeld suit. In his lap was a large hairless cat that sat in a chubby slouch in his embrace as he traced attentive fingers over its head and down it's back. He raised his pinky to the corner of his mouth and cackled maniacally.

"Dr. Reid, how kind of you to show up? My spies informed me of your plans though I will admit, your presence may have been a day early." The administrator preened with sheer delight as he inspected the pair of men. "Geoffrey McCullum, I've heard of your work before. To think that Priwen's top agent turned in the esteemed Dr.Reid himself. What would they think?"

"What? What the bloody hell is going on here?" Geoffrey shouted as he moved to rise to his feet. Fergal had other plans as a strong hand gripped him by the shoulder and forced him back to his knees with a strangled groan. "Get the feck off of me you bastard!" Geoffrey hissed.

"That's not very nice, Mr. McCullum." Dr. Swansea chided with a taunting smile. "Mr. Bansha, if you'd like to do the honors? Dispose of Mr. McCullum. He's served his purpose."

"Wait! What? No! Reid!" Geoffrey screamed and lunged for the doctor but Fergal was faster as he snatched the man by his forearm and pried him back. He was dragged across the carpet that covered every inch of Swansea's office. Jonathan remained in a lifeless heap on the floor as Geoffrey flailed and bucked. He twisted around ignoring the pain in his arm and managed to obtain some form of leverage to kick out at the back of Fergal's legs. The behemoth buckled and collided with the door frame causing the fragile wood to crack and splinter from the force. Geoffrey rolled to the side out of the way once freed of the vice grip and rushed towards Swansea.

The man smiled, a cruel and mirthless expression as he slammed a button on a secret remote. The floor opened up beneath Geoffrey revealing a hidden trap door. He cursed as he was plummeted to an unknown fate below.

* * *

"Geoffrey? Geoffrey are you alright?" The Irishman opened his eyes slowly blinking away the faded orange glow of the overhead light. Concerned blue-gray eyes loomed over him where the doctor bent over the arm of the chair placing their faces within centimeters of each other. Geoffrey was relieved to find that Jonathan was in his usual tailored suit with his hair neatly combed back out of his face and no sign of gaudy ascots, cravats or blocky thickly rimmed glasses. His clothing was clean, tidy and professional.

"There's no lava lamp in our bedroom, is there?" Geoffrey asked as he swallowed thickly around the rough ball that lodged in his throat. He worked his jaw around the words that wanted to spill out but he was too parched to follow through. Jonathan straightened up with a look of confusion.

"No, why would we have something so absurd? I mean, unless you'd like one. Then I suppose I could make it work with the color scheme." Jonathan waved dismissively as curious eyes tracked the EMT as he sat up and stretched his stiff back out to loosen up. Geoffrey shoved himself up to his feet and checked the time on the wall clock. It was evening and the house smelled heavenly like take-out.

"I slept too long." Geoffrey mumbled. "Strange dreams." Strange was right. That is the last time he binge watches all of the Austin Powers movies in a row with Jonathan all night long. If those horrid comedies are going to haunt him in the days after, then he has no desire to revisit the hell of Jonathan Emmet Reid using the phrase _shagadelic_ ever again.

"It looked like it." Jonathan mused, stepping around to rest a hand on Geoffrey's shoulder to steal his attention towards a soft kiss. The light feathery connection was reassuring for the EMT, soothing the strangeness that had plagued him and the fear that the man he loved was going insane. "I brought home dinner. I tried calling to see what you'd like but you didn't answer your phone. You must have really been tired."

"Aye, seemed to be so." Geoffrey mused as he followed his boyfriend into the kitchen to pick through the warm take-out for his favorite. He wasted no time at all in stuffing a piece of chicken in his mouth as he scrounged for a Gatorade and carefully built up a wall of ignorance to fend against his own wild and unsavory dreams.


	2. Fan art by Tyrantwache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought I had posted the link to this art a long time ago but apparently I missed it. But this is amazing fanart from Tyrantwache on Deviantart and Tumblr who made this for this crack fic a while back. Please send them lots of love!
> 
> https://www.deviantart.com/tyrantwache/art/Jonny-Powers-847237900


End file.
